It's been a while - where are we now?

I've been quiet for a while. I like to write, but I have to really be in right headspace to do so, I definitely have not had the desire nor have felt emotionally mature enough to put my thoughts on "paper" this last while, but today? Today I'm feeling inspired (if that's the right word). 

Trauma. I'm not an expert, but I've been through a thing or two. I have found that it's easy for an outsider to see things and say, "oh wow. He's working, he's traveling, he's driving, he's doing all these things regular humans do, he must be back to normal." But here's the sad truth - when it comes to me - there is no more OLD normal, and there will NEVER be back to who or what I was prior to April 2021, for better or worse. Through therapy and real work on myself, I'm learning to accept this - but I still find myself giving up often, and I'm learning to accept that too. Cuts and scratches have healed, weight gained back, but scars are left. On my chest, everyday, I see the spot where I had a port installed and subsequently removed - a scar remains. On both arms, a small scar on each that reminds me of the PICC lines I had, and the discomfort of living with them for so long, unable to sleep or move properly. My left shoulder remains unhealed despite hours of physical therapy due to months of atrophy and mis/non-use and I am still deathly afraid of walking by myself, especially up and down steps. I am still unable to move my left shoulder pain-free and sometimes I suffer sharp pains in that area that cause things to fall. My immune system, though rebuilding, is that of a newborn. So, especially this winter, when I am lucky enough to be out of the hospital and not in the hospital or under insane quarantine regulations, I get over one cold and another one is right behind it. I'm sitting on 100s of thousands of dollars of medical bills, doctor visits and follow ups, all which serve as very real reminders of what I am still going through. I haven't so much as attempted a push-up in months, although I want to - sooner rather than later. I do only what I can right now. There is no "Should". Nobody has defined for me what I "should" be doing vs where I am now and how much longer there is to go in this recovery hell. I am only told that there are others my age who have gone through 1/10 of what I've been through who aren't doing as well physically as I am, as their progress is slower, and my story is truly one of a miracle. That's all well and good. And I'm not discounting or brushing aside this theory of "miracles" or how amazing my team has been. But, emotional Trauma, PTSD, is a very real thing. I have memories of things that never happened, because I simply imagined them happening to me when I was going through the worst of it. But they're real memories! But, alas, they never happened. I find myself asking my wife often if such an event ever happened as I recall it, and quite frequently am corrected into what ACTUALLY happened, or the fact that no, nothing even remotely close to that occurred and it all happened in my messed up head. And the support system in everyone says "yea, but at least you're alive" or "yea, but look at how much you've done since" - but recently I started asking why it needed to be this way? I've begun a great comeback, I'm a well known miracle case in HUMC, I've come so far - but why did I even have to be beaten down? This is the trauma that haunts me today. My family and I have been forced to pivot our entire way of life, our entire outlook on day to day events and advanced planning, our entire ability to live with normal life worries, and forced to look down a deep dark hole, stare it in the face and beat it every day. I now talk in my sleep - that's new, explaining complex medical conditions and medications. And it's exhausting. So, I see every look and every comment, I hear everything positive being thrown at me, and I appreciate it. But I also feel the Trauma, as does my entire family.

I just try and wake up and do the best I can that day. That's all I can do for now. There is no extra mile or heavy lifting. I'm living for tomorrow, essentially. And I'm not blind to the blessings bestowed upon us recently with the ability to celebrate my son's Bar Mitzvah as a family, but no - don't ask anyone who has been through Trauma if everything is back to normal - it never will be. It's simply redefining normal for now.