When Anxiety Becomes Reality

June 13, 2025 Today is one of the hardest days for me that I can remember.  Physical health? all the numbers are OK, thank goodness, but my mental health has been severely suffering. Despite medication and coping mechanisms, sometimes you just cant get a grasp on it and it overcomes you. Over the past month or two I'd say this has been me. Feelings of being totally out of control, not knowing what is around the corner and fear of what I believe I've written about before (im pretty sure),  the unknown. What will the next appointment bring? what will the next day or week bring? Simple answers like "look at the facts, everything is ok", doesnt work for me. I find myself relying harder and harder on "escaping" - locking myself in a room alone to just have quiet, isolating myself, being left deep in thought.  I've done a tremendous amount of work on myself these past few years, and I continue to try and put my best foot forward and have a positive outlook, bu...

I've been quiet for a while. I like to write, but I have to really be in right headspace to do so, I definitely have not had the desire nor have felt emotionally mature enough to put my thoughts on "paper" this last while, but today? Today I'm feeling inspired (if that's the right word).  Trauma. I'm not an expert, but I've been through a thing or two. I have found that it's easy for an outsider to see things and say, "oh wow. He's working, he's traveling, he's driving, he's doing all these things regular humans do, he must be back to normal." But here's the sad truth - when it comes to me - there is no more OLD normal, and there will NEVER be back to who or what I was prior to April 2021, for better or worse. Through therapy and real work on myself, I'm learning to accept this - but I still find myself giving up often, and I'm learning to accept that too. Cuts and scratches have healed, weight gained back, but sca...

how are you? what's next? how are you feeling? what do the doctors say? when are you going to be totally better? WILL YOU EVER BE TOTALLY BETTER? are you up for a visit/phone call? These are the typical questions I get asked by very well meaning people on a daily basis. Bone Marrow Transplant Chemo HHV6 Meningitis (twice) parainfluenza Hydrocephalus (head surgery required) Stroke (I think twice, but definitely once) Kidney stones Epstein Barr Virus countless spinal taps, CTs and MRIs. To give you an idea, the above is what my family and I have gone through the past 8-9 months or so. IN ADDITION, my entire family got covid at the same time, but luckily are OK now. I've been in the hospital well over half that span and feel like the luckiest person on earth whenever I get to go home to see my wife and children, so I apologize to those who I have been less than timely with getting back to. I've had to learn how to walk again twice during this span and miss my pre-sickness phys...

Yea, it still affects me. This time perhaps more than the others as it was an "extended holiday" weekend and it's not as busy in the hospital which generally is a good thing, but I found the staffing to be limited s well. Staff was split too thinly amongst the active patients and although I admittedly, at this time, am not a high demand patient, when I need things, I'd like them in less than 15-20 minutes.  So what is it about weekends that makes me so sad and down? Well, for one, the knowledge that nothing is going to happen kinda stinks. There will be no headway in your case, everything stops, there are no answers and nothing new to be shared or that happens. That's probably the worst of it.  Secondarily, it reminds me of my mental loneliness. Physically there are many people who check in, often, on me. But mentally, there's no escaping my thoughts. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to do but sit and hope for the next business day where there may be answer...

 If only the title were true. In truth, I have too much to say, too many emotions and too much emotion, I don't possibly understand how writing them down will help. But like eating my meals these days, I'm forcing myself to just do it, because it'll keep you healthy. Friday, 5/21, roughly 5:15 AM: Being told and warned you need too keep yourself hydrated comes with its ups and downs. Literally. Up from the chair to bathroom and back down to the chair or bed. While I am used to 100oz a day of liquid, I'm not used to more and I was told I needed more. 5:15 AM was one of the UP moments. Had to get UP to use the restroom. I got up, and was very light headed, and ran back to bed. Take 2, same result. Take 3, I made it to the bathroom, and then the lights went out. By the time I knew it, the ambulance corp was there and away we went to the HUMC ER. I feared the worse as I tend to do. I will end up in the ER, then ICU then there goes another week+ of my life and there goes our...

Let's get one thing straight, I NEVER liked roller coasters to begin with, however for those you who DO, I HIGHLY recommend staying off this one. One year at Six Flags Great Adventure, my wife, an avid roller coaster rider, demanded I go with her on "The Great American Scream Machine". I had no less than 6 panic attacks waiting on that line and as they strapped me in, I didn't feel secure enough and was flailing my arms in the air like a maniac to get the attention of the high 18 year old to come check my seatbelt. As we were about to "take off", I noticed the car in front of us stall on the climb. I screamed so that someone would notice and not let us go and be stuck. Of course all my screaming and panic did nothing because the people who run the rides notice these things, but as they let us off the ride due to the delay - it made my wife VERY happy watching me panic and she laughed at it not on for the rest of the day, but still today, probably 12-13 years...