Another Weekend "alone"

Yea, it still affects me.

This time perhaps more than the others as it was an "extended holiday" weekend and it's not as busy in the hospital which generally is a good thing, but I found the staffing to be limited s well. Staff was split too thinly amongst the active patients and although I admittedly, at this time, am not a high demand patient, when I need things, I'd like them in less than 15-20 minutes. 

So what is it about weekends that makes me so sad and down? Well, for one, the knowledge that nothing is going to happen kinda stinks. There will be no headway in your case, everything stops, there are no answers and nothing new to be shared or that happens. That's probably the worst of it. 

Secondarily, it reminds me of my mental loneliness. Physically there are many people who check in, often, on me. But mentally, there's no escaping my thoughts. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to do but sit and hope for the next business day where there may be answers - then again there may not be.

As much as I need to be here, I so badly don't want to be here anymore, it hurts. Furthermore, I know I have at least a month left of being here, assuming everything from this point forward is perfect (big assumption considering we still don't have the result of a critical test that will determine how we proceed).

As friendly as the staff is, as understanding as they are, as much as I can get a visitor for a few hours -- it just doesn't change. I don't want to be here anymore. 

I so badly miss the life I considered "mundane" and "boring" before. I so much miss my gym workouts, my everyday work at my job, taking the kids to carpool each morning, putting them to bed, etc.

I've missed my son's birthday and a school "play" while stuck in here and there's no sugar coating how I feel about that.

I celebrate that I can walk around the hospital floor and don't have fever. That's not a normal thing to celebrate. Those are things I perhaps took for granted prior to becoming sick or things I feel are standard, so why are we celebrating that I can put on socks, or shower, or walk on my own. 

Then I remember. So many in my position can't do those things. And my ability to do those things will help propel this forward and I cannot compare myself to where I was 6 weeks ago. It's not fair.

I get lost in these feelings over the weekend, yes, but especially not during these pivotal next few days where we find out how we move forward and when. I allow myself to have these feelings and do my best not to get trapped in that extremely dark place. I quickly try and turn on the TV or a podcast or something to avert my thoughts. 

But how am I? I'm not OK.

I'm not OK missing family milestones.
I'm not OK missing being a hands on father
I'm not OK just sitting in this chair and waiting.

But I'm also OK.

I'm OK being stable with strong vitals
I'm OK being fever free
I'm OK knowing this is where I need to be in case of infection
I'm OK knowing I am doing everything in my power to move this forward despite it's bumps in the road.
I'm OK knowing my wife somehow has everything covered for me at home in the face of all this nuttiness. 

So as this long weekend comes to a close, I pray the beginning of this week is also the beginning of the end for me. The beginning of a process that will cure me and bring me home safely.

Am I confident?
All those reading this that know me, know the answer to that question already.
Absolutely not. I have every fiber of my being telling me nothing will go my way and there will be further delay.
But I cannot afford to get stuck in that zone. I cannot think like that.

But I do.

So yes, I've completed yet another weekend "alone", but hopefully this weekend means I'm one more weekend closer to coming home.