Are there Good Days?

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5/6

 "Ya know", she said to me, "If you came in here and had a BRING IT ON ATTITUDE, saying things like 'It's no big deal', or 'this will be a breeze', then I'd be concerned. The fact that you are self aware enough to realize that there will be ups and downs, positives and negatives and EXPRESS that so openly, tells me you are ready for what this journey will bring. It's the people who come in fooling themselves we have the most issues with"

My fever remains down for a second day without using Tylenol or anything and then a real defining moment. My morning labs came in. As I watched the nurse erase the prior days' labs, 2 things occurred to me:

1. I definitely should have paid more attention in BIO class because I have been SO LOST through all of this

2. Her penmanship, especially for writing on a wipe board, was impeccable. 

But I digress...

My white blood count had not doubled from the day before, but rather TRIPLED!

My Hemoglobin count got HIGHER

And my platelets were platelets, who cares, I'll need another transfusion, no big deal.

BUT LOOK AT THOSE OTHER NUMBERS!

LOOK AT MY IMMUNE SYSTEM REBOUND AND REBOOTING!

I was told that these numbers are somewhat artificial, as they are pumping me with steroids and other drugs to promote this growth but so what? It means my body is responding to the treatment and that's not bad!!! 

So could I be having a good day?!

Most importantly, would I allow myself to have a good day?

I had a conversation with my Psychologist last night (Private message me for her info, cuz again, she's amazing) and she said there is a big difference between saying "I'm sorry" and "I feel bad/ly". I've been saying "I'm sorry" A TON recently.

To my family

To my nurses

To my doctors.

I beat myself up A LOT (emotionally, please don't think i'm throwing myself against a wall like Ace Ventura when he goes undercover at a mental institution, although I'd be lying if i said I didnt check to see if my windows opened)

I'm SO SORRY I've made you work like this, or feel like that or am putting you through this or am making you get me a freakin pitcher of water because I'm not allowed to walk around. 

When you say "I'm Sorry" there's no response, or really yet, only ONE response "Don't be sorry, this is not your fault". 

When I instead say "I feel bad" or I feel badly that..." this can open up to a deeper conversation, with more specific questions and answers and lead to greater understanding on both sides of the aisle.

Right now, I feel badly that I'm letting my family down by being unable to help and even worse for putting THEM on pins and needles and impacting their lives with my condition. When I cry, I cry about this the most. 

I feel the same about my community, as I'm now shirking my responsibilities unto others because I cannot guarantee my success in carrying out my obligation.

I feel badly that my nurses have to put up with me and my anxieties and my millions of questions-  or that my doctors need to work so hard to figure out my complex case.

This whole illness makes me feel, well, ILL overall. And simply put, I feel badly.

But today? Today I'm feeling daring enough to say "I feel good!" (Ear-worm, I know, just don't...)

I got the most sleep lastnight I got all week. 6.5 hours. 

I'm fever free

My numbers are amazing given my circumstances

My vitals are stable

The sepsis I experienced was a result of a bacterial Staph infection that I may just be on the other side of at this point - just need the bloodwork to confirm that.

What lies ahead? What's next? what's the potential new timeline? HOW DELAYED ARE WE?

I'm being told that patience is a virtue. And to worry about today, today. and tomorrow, tomorrow. So I'll work on that.

I hope that I was right to think today was a good day and it's OK to have good days. And hope even deeper that tomorrow brings another good day.

I've always been your run of the mill pessimist and cynic, so to allow myself to smile and say "today was better than OK, it was actually good", is a big step.

I need to do that more.




Comments

  1. UnknownMay 6, 2021 at 4:53 PM

    You go Shua! Permission to feel good granted today and every day. Such a crucial lesson. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete

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