A Simple Intro

I’m a 38 year old married father of 3 (2 boys, one girl if you must know), who works as an IT professional. I’ve always prided myself on being goal oriented, honest, hard working, and have always tried my best to be a great dad and husband.

When I was young (10-11 years old?), I was diagnosed ADHD and was sent to therapy for it and eventually placed on Ritalin to help control my impulsivity. By the time I hit 13 or 14 or 15  I threw the pills out, I simply didn’t like the way they made me feel. I felt not myself, sluggish and aloof all around. 

During these years I also experienced periods of panic. Going away to sleep away camp for instance wasn’t simple for me. I spent the first two days feeling quite ill but ultimately had some of the best summers of my life. 

The same with things as simple as sleepovers at a friends house. These were rare for me - or even going to someone’s house for the day to hang out when I felt out of control (i.e. In the times I didn’t have the control to just walk home when I wanted, or ride my bike home if needed.) As I got older, I had a car and full control, so I had less of these problems, and by the time I hit college I was in the dorm with no issues for all semesters. Back then, they labeled all these things “homesickness”. I now refer to them as anxiety spells, or sustained panic attacks. 

Anxiety also manifested itself at doctors offices, in particular for blood work. I get it, nobody likes it, blah blah blah, but I would pass out and it was an all around uncomfortable and embarrassing situation, every time. As a result while I had a PCP on file as a "grown up", I would do everything in my power to never bother him or make him aware of any symptoms I was experiencing, as it may result in the need for routine blood work. So I certainly never went for a physical past the age of 18 either, for the same reasons. At one point in my life, I was diagnosed “vasovagal” (look it up), but I believe now it’s like 90 percent anxiety and panic and far less the vasovagal.

My pediatrician (of blessed memory) and dear friend of the family, dare I say my second father, once told me ADHD is a superpower. He was observing me swapping some (RAM) memory on his computer in absolute awe. As i opened the case of his Dell dimension 3000, he told me that to him, a pediatrician, watching what I was doing was equivalent to him watching brain surgery. He had no clue and was truly impressed. But he called it a superpower because he said based on studies, those who have ADHD or ADD are proven to be some of the most successful people in the world. Messy desks, as he said, often lead to very organized minds and vice versa. To an extent he was right. I consider myself successful partly due to my ability to multitask efficiently. Am I a millionaire that never has to work again? GOD NO, but that doesn't define success. I work hard, always put in my all, and have been a stable employee for 15+ years, climbing the ranks and doing it the hard way. But I’ve always risen to a challenge, and am proud to have earned what I do have today, on my own merit and work. I think because my brain works so quickly, I’m able to accomplish things and think quicker than most. I’m not always right, in fact I’m wrong all the time, but I learn from my mistakes. And I’m a quick learner.

Over my adult years I sought out therapy at times. Mostly social workers to help me through whatever temporary issues I was having. One of the largest things I learned in therapy is that ADD does NOT exist in a vacuum. It comes along with Anxiety, OCD and a host of other issues. This changed my outlook on myself and potentially how I viewed life, my reactions to situations, and whole bunch of other things. I also learned I am HYPER self aware (I believe being under a microscope for a large portions of my life made me this way), and usually that's a plus, but i deem it as a minus. It's tough to make a decision when you're too busy thinking whether that decision is a selfish one or one that could potentially impact others in a negative way or have some sort of domino effect down the line that paints myself or my family members negatively.

I find writing helps. Sometimes. And apologize in advance to the grammar and English teachers and professors who will read this and note imperfections. But I write for me, for fun, and as a form of therapy. 

More about why I am starting now in the next blog. 

So feel free to favorite this blog or check in often or whatever to receive updates if you'd like. I anticipate a number of blog posts over the next few days, as I continue to introduce myself and give you some background, but I also intend for them to slow down over time. 

Bye for now.