June 2025 - WHAT IS GOING ON??

June 13, 2025

Today is one of the hardest days for me that I can remember. 

Physical health? all the numbers are OK, thank goodness, but my mental health has been severely suffering. Despite medication and coping mechanisms, sometimes you just cant get a grasp on it and it overcomes you. Over the past month or two I'd say this has been me. Feelings of being totally out of control, not knowing what is around the corner and fear of what I believe I've written about before (im pretty sure),  the unknown. What will the next appointment bring? what will the next day or week bring? Simple answers like "look at the facts, everything is ok", doesnt work for me. I find myself relying harder and harder on "escaping" - locking myself in a room alone to just have quiet, isolating myself, being left deep in thought.

 I've done a tremendous amount of work on myself these past few years, and I continue to try and put my best foot forward and have a positive outlook, but in my most real moments, I feel truly lost. I feel I've lost my identity and dont even recognize myself anymore - I see so clearly what I want to be, and feel so helplessly far from that, I lose sight of how far I've come.

In a discussion with my therapist recently, she recommended I pick up writing again. So here I am, using my writing as an outlet, not looking for anyone to provide answers, but simply to educate those around me why I may seem not like myself and what is holding me back.

I'm not sure what will come from this, but I don't want to know I never tried... 

To know and understand that every day is a gift is one thing. To recognize every day lived is another day closer to death is a fact. But to actually FEEL this through every bone in my body throws me over the edge. EVERY minute of EVERY day I feel I am simply marching closer to a day where I don't wake up. Is it my age? Is it due to what I've been through? I dont know, but I'm determined to find out and fix it.

 I specifically remember a relationship I had with one of my nurses at HUMC a few years ago. One day she came in to find me crying and wanted to calm me down. I screamed at her that I'm tired of the tests and constant back and forth in the hospital and I simply wanted my life back. She cried with me while holding my hand and told me she understood, but I'm not sure she did. Not because she didnt want to, but because she COULDN'T!

Lastnight, I watched as my middle child put his best foot forward to overcome his debilitating anxiety and graduate his elementary school with his friends, almost without a hitch.

I stood as I watched him contemplate what he would do, watching his friends do what he so wanted to do, but could not, and then finally joining them for the main part of the program.

My brain processed all 20,000,000 reasons why I very easily could not have been there to see it, and simultaneously processed my son's major accomplishment as he, with pride, walked to his friends to graduate. My body exploded with emotion - a reaction I still, over 18 hours later,  have yet to fully process and still am impacted by.

 This emotion, flooded with news from Israel, stress from work and every day activities, have all impacted me significantly, so I guess I write this to remind myself that feelings and moods dont last forever, and this too will pass, but writing my thoughts down, helps me analyze and understand my feelings better than having them swirling through my head.

 I'll likely re-read this later today and maybe even regret it,  but writing it down for now, did bring my emotional levels down a smidge, so thats good.

 Bye for now.