5 years?!?!?!

5 Years.

Let's recap for everyone "new" here:

5+ years ago, my life changed. April 2021 - A minor scrape on my leg sent me to an urgent care, which sent me to a hospital, which diagnosed me with Idiopathic VSAA, which we came to learn was essentially a cancerless cancer, attacking my bone marrow and ceasing the ability for my blood to work properly. I needed a Bone Marrow Transplant to live—had I not been diagnosed the instant I was, at the exact time I was, I'd be dead. I was transferred to another hospital where work began to save my life. The Bone Marrow Transplant required an immune system reset, bringing me back to newborn status as it related to my immune system... While recovering from my transplant, I suffered 3 strokes, hydrocephalus (requiring neurosurgery), Menangitis-B (twice), I recovered from temporary hearing loss (25% in both ears) caused likely by the menangitis, required a full oral restoration due to medications causing irreversible damage and was impacted by countless other viruses, 

During my healing process and journey through this hell, I lost my job / significantly slowed my career track, lost my privacy, lost my dignity MANY times, had to learn how to walk again, TWICE, learn how to face MANY demons, and, like Dr. Indiana Jones, take a Leap of Faith or two hundred a day to get me to ...

...WHERE I AM TODAY—5 YEARS LATER

What used to be a surprised "HOLY SHIT, LOOK! IT'S THE DUDE WHO SHOULD BE DEAD," which was a common theme in years 1 through 4, is now "How's your health??" along with the uncomfortable "Is this too personal to ask??" smile type face. If you've bumped into me recently and feel like you may fall into this category, just know it's totally OK to ask; I appreciated it, I've already forgotten it has happened (sorry, see prior...3 strokes), and PLEASE do it again!

Professionally, I took some twists and turns, but strongly believe I've landed on a straightaway that has potential to be the stability I need to turn that imaginary "corner" I've striving to turn, that represents the "hurdle of the day". 

I've recently come to recognize that my unoccupied free time don't get along. Left alone with my thoughts and some music leads me into another world where the depths have no bottom, but yet no matter how deep I bury myself, I'm still drawn to that magic bit of light that I would like more to be part of my regular schedule, so I'm hoping to integrate more extra curricular activities into my weekly schedule coming up. Chavrusa (Virtual or in person is fine!!) Gym Buddy? Pickelball? Regular "normal stakes" card game? hockey league? Music makes me happy - love to learn more about it, theoretically, or improve my vocal ability or at least a regular venue in which to use it or learn how to read it? I'd be up for any ideas! So these nights, I'm dedicating my free time to listening to music while I write. And so I find myself asking the WHY. WHY is it so freeing for me to write? When I've tried everything, medicinally, "recreationally," and all other ways, I always come back to the ol' "quill 'n scroll"!

I like the idea of writing a feeling I'm feeling and being able to describe it, like I'm able to SHARE my fear or my hurt or my sadness in a way easier for me than speaking -and certainly clearer. Also, ESPECIALLY since my illness and neurological trauma, I find when I sit in front of a screen, the words pour out of me so easily. There's less pressure on my tone or my nerves as it relates to any type of response I will get from my audience on what I'm saying -since this is a blog, I welcome any questions and comments.

Anyway, 5 years.

When I was initially diagnosed and a treatment plan created, I was told by the lead Dr. that they would "own me" for 5 years. Requiring checkups regularly and keeping close tabs on me, etc. I remember thinking "5 years?!?!?!? I just wanted to go home with a bottle of pills and be ok! Whats this 5 years stuff??!" Standing 5 years post a 10\10 match from a sibling transplant (THE BEST scenario given my circumstance), I've been petrified of 5 years rapidly approaching. How could it be 5 years already?

5 years has opened my eyes wider than potentially they've ever been opened. I've been required to take a step back in SO MANY AREAS of my life and take a FULL ACCOUNTING of EVERY PIECE of my existence - unpacking various traumas and learning to either live with or try and vanquish certain demons.

I've been asked if I'm mad at God, and I still say NO, which is the truth 

I've been asked if my view on life has changes, and I can honestly say after 5 years the answer is ABSOLUTELY YES - BUT - I'm still trying to figure out what it is I'm seeing or processing.

Some things remain so clear cut in my mind and so easy to see and yet, there still exist the opposite behaviors that I know need changing, outlooks that are tainted by experience and trauma that clouds the reality of the situation, and makes it that much more challenging for me to navigate.

5 years later certainly has a clearer outlook and understanding than years 1 and 2, but I feel I'm still navigating life through a narrower lens, setting very specific goals and expectations for myself personally and professionally and continuing to hold myself accountable. I've also developed a much healthier expectation on what it means to "enjoy life".

I've learned to give myself more grace, realizing progress over perfection, but am also terribly hard on myself in some regards that spins my head in circles. I've learned to look at things from SO MANY different vantage points, it swings my moods like a pendulum in a windstorm!

But physically, I'm down to checkups every 4-6 months or so, and the doctors all agree they're not letting me out of their sights that quick, so it looks like i'll need a bit more time to taper off my appointments and eventually "graduate" from their specialized care. (Wow, I just took a large *sigh* as I cannot believe I just wrote that...)

I'm setting new logical goals for me that may not have matched my goals of 5 years ago, and thats ok!

So today, lets choose to celebrate the milestones and miracles that have gotten us here, of which there are too many to count, and look forward to whatever tomorrow may bring, knowing that with God's help, we will be able to overcome!