I'm losing the battle to my Anxiety

With each setback, or new test, or additional days added on to the "timeline", I lose my battle with my mental health.

Number 1 fear: getting sick again.

If I am now being asked to stay home for X days/weeks while they finalize some things, how can they guarantee I won't wind up sick again given my current physical status.

I've become overly obsessed with how I feel walking up and down steps. It legit winds me and I need to limit that activity as much as possible. My heart rate soars, i start to sweat, and it puts me into a panic.

Is this an indication of another fever?
I take my temp.

Of course it's elevated! My body just worked OVERTIME to climb my steps.

OK, relax. get into bed. have a drink. slow your heart rate, check again.

99.3? I'll take it, but it's not 98.5.

Am I getting sick again?

How long will I be stuck in the hospital for this time?

Will it be as serious as the last time?

What will the setbacks be?

This is my struggle.

Not daily, but each and every minute.

I've upped my dosage to .75 mg from .5 mg of Klonopin. (prescribed by a psychiatrist and neurologist, please don't think I am self medicating. I am being safe)

It seems to help keep me grounded. But it's not perfect.

I'm wearing my glasses more often when looking at my small laptop screen or iPhone 12 pro max. What's it all mean? Am I OK?

I become increasingly anxious when they come over during doctors visits to take my vitals.

something so routine.

But my vitals dictate whether I get to go home or have to be admitted to the hospital again for some infection. 

And being anxious while they take your vitals, doesnt help.

I need to totally disconnect and put myself on a beach. And even then, temperature cannot be controlled.

My heart rate is all over the place. I cant even look at it anymore. 

Based on my initial timeline, I was supposed to be well into my transplant by now and I still haven't begun. Retraining my mind is not easy. 

I sometimes become paralyzed by the Anxiety. It makes me want to get into bed, crawl under the covers and not come out. 

Am I shivering? Do I have fever?

It's an endless loop and I am SCARED of getting sick.

During today's doctor's appointment, for the first time ever, I asked very specific questions related to how I was feeling.

Is this normal? how about that? this feeling? that feeling?

The Doctor/Nurse looked straight in my eyes and said "all of this is totally normal for your condition and just because we consider your numbers 'stable', doesn't mean they're good numbers for the average person. Don't forget, you're still 6 units of blood short of the 'normal person', so everything you are describing is NORMAL for your condition and you're doing perfectly"

Whether it's something they say to everyone, or she meant it (i believe she actually meant it), it helped me. I now know not to panic if I see this or feel that. 

So I guess step 1 to beating this anxious feeling is to really understand and differentiate between what was normal while I was healthy, to what is normal now, so what is NOT normal at all at which point I need to call a doctor.

I'm learning.

Hopefully one day I will get there.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend