SO, Let's catch up

-

 I've got GAD (General Anxiety Disorder)

In March I was totally fine according to all labs

On April 18, I was sent to the ER for testing due to burst capillaries and easy bruising and bleeding on my body. 

On April 20 in the afternoon, I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Aplastic Anemia.

On April 21 I spiked a fever and an order to transport me to Hackensack hospital where they could better care for me.

On April 22 in the early AM, I was transferred successfully to the care of some of the finest doctors in the country at HUMC.

By April 23, a sibling donor was being tested as a potential bone marrow donor match

On April 25, I was discharged home, with a plethora of pills, needing to monitor my own vitals and ensure I don't get sick to avoid further hospitalization and infection that could cause complications.

April 25 was to be a happy day.

It wasn't. I had a calendar of appointments set up, a book filled with "what ifs", folders of business cards and no idea how to process any of it.

One of the first things I did when I got home was go to my room and cry. How would I manage all of this? I couldn't possibly!

When the kids came home from wherever they were, they all hugged me and cried - that didn't help my shit emotional state, but I couldn't control it.

I doubled up on therapy for now.

I am not engaged in physical activity because I'm not allowed to, and that's playing with my mind too. I miss being strong. I miss feeling strong. I miss my gym family terribly. I promised myself I am going to work REALLY HARD after all this to be even better than I was before, but for now, I cannot concern myself with that right now, but I also have not lost focus.

Yes, I asked my doctor upon readmission, what weights i can bring in to resume workouts. 

On April 26, I was getting used to it, until I wasn't. I crashed late in the day, panicking and counting pills, not remembering if I had taken one or not. 

More crying, more helplessness, more feeling sorry for me.

This has to end.

April 27 was an OK day.

April 28 I went back for a checkup. More bad numbers, more need for transfusion, all very depressing and gut wrenching and frustrating.

Then came April 29.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Are there Good Days?

-
Image
5/6  "Ya know", she said to me, "If you came in here and had a BRING IT ON ATTITUDE, saying things like 'It's no big deal', or 'this will be a breeze', then I'd be concerned. The fact that you are self aware enough to realize that there will be ups and downs, positives and negatives and EXPRESS that so openly, tells me you are ready for what this journey will bring. It's the people who come in fooling themselves we have the most issues with" My fever remains down for a second day without using Tylenol or anything and then a real defining moment. My morning labs came in. As I watched the nurse erase the prior days' labs, 2 things occurred to me: 1. I definitely should have paid more attention in BIO class because I have been SO LOST through all of this 2. Her penmanship, especially for writing on a wipe board, was impeccable.  But I digress... My white blood count had not doubled from the day before, but rather TRIPLED! My Hemoglobin c...
Read more

A Simple Intro

-
I’m a 38 year old married father of 3 (2 boys, one girl if you must know), who works as an IT professional. I’ve always prided myself on being goal oriented, honest, hard working, and have always tried my best to be a great dad and husband. When I was young (10-11 years old?), I was diagnosed ADHD and was sent to therapy for it and eventually placed on Ritalin to help control my impulsivity. By the time I hit 13 or 14 or 15  I threw the pills out, I simply didn’t like the way they made me feel. I felt not myself, sluggish and aloof all around.  During these years I also experienced periods of panic. Going away to sleep away camp for instance wasn’t simple for me. I spent the first two days feeling quite ill but ultimately had some of the best summers of my life.  The same with things as simple as sleepovers at a friends house. These were rare for me - or even going to someone’s house for the day to hang out when I felt out of control (i.e. In the times I didn’t have the c...
Read more

It's so hot in here

-
Image
It's 2:30 AM, maybe 3:30, by now it's certainly 4. I am sweating through every piece of clothing i have on so I immediately strip and call for some ice packs. She says the beeping I hear is coming from the outside, but it's not, it's in here somewhere and it's driving me insane. I've got 3 IVs in and I'm in the ICU. The most common question here is "do you know where you are?" Let's back up. It's Monday, 5/3. I am scheduled for a routine appointment to see an allergist. They need to know if I am really allergic to penicillin or not. The appointment is for 8 AM. I tried calling over the weekend warning them of my rash explaining how the doctor will likely not be able to determine anything in my current state, but nobody seemed to care. I showed up, they essentially threw me out because i have a rash. Yea, exactly. I'm not feeling great and have the shivers even tho i dont have any fever. Maybe I'm anxious? maybe my counts are low? on...
Read more